Navigating Loss by Facing Grief: Healthy Tips to Soothe your Psyche & Soul & Kindle the Joy

Nov 18

If you’re feeling more than just blue lately, you’re not the only one. Your sadness or mood change may have migrated to a profound reaction to a privation: grief.

Grief is not just death. It’s that more intense feeling of loss, of pain, distress or heartache… So whether you’re bemoaning the weather, a seasonal change, the switch to Standard time and its consequent darkness, a break-up, or suffering from some catastrophic weather crisis ~ hurricane or fires or drought (plenty to pick from). Or the biggie ~ the stunning US election. We need to stop and reassess. What are you feeling and how are you managing?

Grief has come to be more about death, dying, departure from this life.

But, in fact, grief encompasses so much more than just the act of passing away.

It’s important to understand that grief is not just a sensation or an emotion we feel after a death ~ it can be felt after whatever we loved is gone.

Whatever woe or angst you can’t deny, and when nothing seems to bring you any joy ~ the path to wellness is to recognize your grief and to share it.

…To admit and recognize that you are feeling a deeper sense of despair and hopelessness than a low mood or a more garden variety sadness that we all feel occasionally. Acknowledge your pain.

I have often written that we cannot experience grief if we have not loved. Grief is love. So if your home was damaged in a weather disaster, or you lost a favorite pet, or your candidate lost, that is a verifiable loss of something you love. Ergo grief settles into the void.

Grief can also trigger anger.

As a Death Doula, we are taught to offer support, compassion, service. A pathway to navigating emotional depth. To help guide an emotional healing.

Lately, I have met and talked with so many folks who are feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and doom and who almost feel guilty about their sense of loss.

Don’t.

I’ve been a part of so many of these conversations that I felt compelled to write and encourage others to recognize the grief and work to accept it and to heal.

Here, I want us to metaphorically do a kind of Kumbaya ~ to encourage you to hold onto to your dreams and your beliefs. You’re going to need to anchor your soul.

That’s the first step.

Acknowledge

Recognize your feeling of loss, that being unmoored is real.

Next is to give yourself space.

Maybe you need to take a bit of a hiatus. Whether that’s checking into a spa; taking daily wellness walks (like I do) or getting out in nature (likewise) ~ whether that’s a beach, park, woods, or a community garden, you can use your senses to inculcate the notion of rebirth ~ the cycle of life and its ability to transform.

Connect with nature. Where better to drop to the ground or submerge in the water to face our raw, intimate feelings?

If you can, garden. Digging in the soil is very meditative…

Reflect. Contemplate. Console.

I read that Grief is what we think and feel on the inside, including fear, loneliness, panic, pain, yearning, anxiety, emptiness. It is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.

Don’t try to cover up these emotions or try to bury them. Or go numb. Or get too angry or bitter. Maybe channel and practice John Lewis’ famous admonishment: “Get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”

The point here is that we need to shed light on these internal emotions ~ give them air. Look at them. Head on. We need to look inside ourselves to see them; to accept the demons of fear, panic or anxiety, and understand.

Seek a Greater Purpose

Mourning is the outward expression of our grief. To help our mourning look outside of ourselves.

Reach out. Be vulnerable.

Grief is often better managed by sharing our feelings within our community.

Talk to those you love. To your neighbors. To your clergy and trusted advisors.

Show up for them, too.

You can foster a sense of collective well-being. Looking beyond yourself and finding comfort is good for your emotional healing. There’s a spectrum here: from the “safety in numbers” where you can connect with others who are feeling your distress and pain, to volunteering to help others and/or make a difference.

It’s proven that volunteering for your cause reduces stress, serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins, which can make you feel better and increase happiness.

Plus, you’ll find that “sense of purpose” that can snap you back to feeling deeper meaning and value in your life.

Not only should you sit with yourself and honestly recognize and feel your emotions, but also to be there for someone else.

When we learn to nourish others, we can heal ourselves better.

There’s that other adage: Misery loves company… meaning you can find it easier to accept and bear your burdens by sharing with others.

Tap Your Strength & Personal Power

On a Death Doula cohort call recently, we were reminded how resilient humans are.

A Doula shared with us this pearl of wisdom, “We are descendents of people who have survived waaaayyy worse than whatever it is that we’re experiencing.”

That’s a fact.

We are children of those who refused to die ~ who carried on…

Recognize that Grief and mourning is a rather spiritual thing. So letting go, letting things drop that can be held in abeyance while you do your self care is paramount.

Feed Your Mind and Body ~ A Menu of Remedies to Soothe Your Soul and Heartache

You are what you eat resonates for good reason. Food and Drink can bring us both good health that we need to manage grief, as well as they will genuinely bring us joy and happiness.

If you don’t already, practice eating in moderation. Eat small portions.

Moreover, be in the moment. Use your senses to smell, see (the eyes eat first), taste.

Eat nourishing, Comfort food ~ whatever that looks and tastes like for you ~ as Bill often jokes ~ you can’t go wrong with: the four P’s: Pudding, Pasta, Pizza, Potatoes… Ha!

And of course, you can’t overlook the healing properties of chicken soup.

Overall, embrace the fact that what we eat is evocative, that food triggers memory. So if you have a good memory of your mother’s apple pie or chocolate cake ~ go for it. Your grandfather’s piping hot breakfast oatmeal whispered “I love you” on those cold mornings and it will again…

Often, an indulgent way to grieve for me are the three C’s: cheese, chocolate, and cocktails!

Imbibing is best done with others ~ and in celebration. That's why sharing with others is key. Call a neighbor, a family member. Maybe make up a cocktail shaker with ingredients like a petite Happy Hour picnic and gather around the barscape or table to chat in an unthreatening café society way.

If you truly can’t face someone else at the moment, follow the sensual approach to creating a drink or pouring a glass of wine.

Savor the process.

That means, follow a recipe with the best ingredients you can muster.

Use your best glasses. Your best ice. The best spirits ~ whether alcoholic or not.

The freshest juices and simple syrups

And of course, the prettiest, tastiest, most glamorous garnishes.

After all, you are treating and luxuriating to abandon yourself in the moment.

It’s all a part of Self love.

Remember, you are not seeking solace in the food or drink ~ no, that’s a bandaid or crutch. You are merely taking a ritual and elevating it to give yourself a mindful respite from the loss..

Artful Pursuits

Sink yourself into a good book ~ print or audio. Reading about tragedies that have come before can not only take your mind away from the present crisis, but we can learn a lot from real-life and fictional characters alike as to how we can navigate and overcome obstacles.

Preferably you can read a classic. Think “The Diary of a Young Girl” book by Anne Frank, “The Grapes of Wrath,” or even political narratives that evoke struggle and victory such as “Profiles in Courage.”

Or perhaps you are feeling adventurous and want to take on the so-called “banned books” to see what all the hubbub is about…

Dive deep into music.

Music is immersive. It will help you manage your emotions ~ so much so that it can reduce physical pain; release endorphins. And ameliorate stress. Music can lower the production of cortisol, lower blood pressure and heart rate.

So whether you blast Madame Butterfly and cry with Cio-Cio-San, wail with Taylor Swift or Beyoncé, or close your eyes and drift away with Miles Davis, the music ~ and dance ~ will soothe your soul.

Music and dance engages our emotions in a positive, healing way.

And don’t forget to fight sadness with laughter.

Laughter is known to be a top-tier prescriptive! Laughing releases endorphins too, and will improve your mood.

So while tragedy and life events are no joke, we need to look for the light.

To look at grief ~ our very own, personal loss, and through our tears, yes, go ahead and have a good cry. Sobbing even. Know that there is hope, after all.

As I wrote recently on social media, we can learn from our darling Elizabeth Taylor who admonished: "Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together." 🍸