The Fleeting Beauty of Impermanence: How We Can Embrace Grief, Sadness And Joy During the Holidays

Dec 13

Is it the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year?”🎶

While the Holiday vibe is one of unfettered joy and sacred religious traditions, nonetheless, it is for many, a melancholy time. The happy element, by and large, stems from our childhood ~ from the fantasies of presents and Santa and family parties, twinkling lights, sweet treats, and … But what is going on when we’re grown up and can’t resolve feeling depressed or blue?

Feeling overwhelmed and sad during the holidays came up yet again as part of pleasantries exchanged during the hand-off of my volunteer work at the local art gallery in our sweet hamlet near our country house. I was starting my shift at the gallery and the pretty, vivacious woman I’ve run into more than a few times was heading out.

As it turns out, she was going to what should have been a happy Holiday gingerbread decorating party at a friend's house.

Instead, her body language was shooting out “glum.” A kind of restlessness. She shared with me her feelings of unaccountable sadness that this time of year always brings on. She was shaking her head a bit as if in denial or to shake away the unwanted depression.

For many folks the Holidays are a downshift mentally into a kind of melancholy…

We talked about that for a bit. I was trying to understand and make her feel it’s normal.

“There’s just so many expectations this time of year. So many images of folks just looking so happy, happy.” I offered. We managed an exchange that I hope made her a wee bit more open at least to the possibility of holiday cheer. After the creaky door closed behind her I couldn’t help but realize that this was probably the third time in so many days that someone told me the same thing.

The Holidays are just a time of sadness…

If this is how you’re feeling ~ you’re not alone.

Why?

Well, for starters, if you are feeling “just” sad, maybe it’s best for you to embrace your melancholia for what it is.

Grab some chocolates, your favorite tea and a book or film and have at it. Nest a bit. It could be a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ a type of depression that occurs during winter especially for folks who live in the North where there’s less sunlight because of shorter days.

Maybe we all need to reignite our inner child and feel that sense of wonder again. Give in to fun with abandon. Take a walk, observe the beauty of winter and all the glittery winter lights. Call a friend or family member. Volunteer! You always feel better helping others. That’s a fact.

However if you’re conflicted about the gloom, if you’re feeling a sense of hopelessness, it can be due to a few things.

There’s that benchmark or expectation that we all should feel so much jubilation this time of year.

Perhaps you feel that deep inside, you’re not measuring up to the Happy vibe you’re seeing in all the ads and on social media. Or you’re letting your kids and family and work mates down.

These feelings of inadequacy are widespread. It’s a big club that no one really wants to be a member of. The Holiday Blues is more common than most of us like to admit.

How to help yourself? Look to set realistic expectations. Most, if not all of the images you’re seeing on TV, in the cinema, and on social media are orchestrated. With lots of behind the scenes drama!

Recognize the fantasy that’s being presented and well, create your own dream.

Your own Hallmark special.

Without being too rigid or uncompromising, do what makes you feel best while still supporting and engaging with loved ones and work colleagues.

Look to be thankful for what you have and celebrate your own abundance.

If perhaps you’re feeling rather a deeper sense of hopelessness due to stress, a recent breakup, work deadlines for the end of the year, family pressures ~ you may wish for a modification or change that will make the pain go away or dull the loneliness. And while there’s no magic wand to make it all just go away, you can make changes.

While change is needed, too often, we shelve making any meaningful change because we fear it. We figure if we keep things the same at least we know this demon.

Loss of control is another roadblock to change.

But all change is difficult. People resist even “good” change.

I often share this fact with folks who are telling me how uncomfortable or anxious they feel about things lately and about the Holidays this year.

Managing change is a fundamental task we communication professionals are often charged to do. My experience helping teams to embrace change is valuable in my Death Doula work, as well.

Life’s chapters are all about change, whether we manage it or we let it just take us out to drift at sea like the tides..

So too, I see Grieving as a change process ~ a journey. And grief is a process adapting to that change. Recognize it and embrace it.

Whatever or whomever you are grieving, it's OK.

“Grief is a very living thing. It visits at random”, said a wise Tyler Perry (echoed on a recent Anderson Cooper All there is Podcast from an appearance on Oprah.)

You have to allow it to take up residence. Embrace grief in all its manifestations. Face it head-on; not try to erase or eradicate it by harmful means…

Life is too short. You know ~ and feel ~ this already.

Fleeting Beauty ~ Enduring Love

I recently listened to a lovely podcast (you see a pattern here?) from the NY Times’ Modern Love episode series that I want to share with you because I found it so touching. And insightful.

While helpful for any time of the year, I found it particularly consoling for the holiday and seasonal melancholy.

The love story was about a young woman who lost her boyfriend to an untimely death: suicide by hanging.

She worked in a florist shop. And there, amid her grief she found solace in nature ~ in the flowers. Choosing flower bouquets and arrangements for customers looking to express their love.

After her loss, she got to wondering why we love and give flowers even though we know their beauty is fleeting. Why indeed?

We appreciate them all the more because they are ephemeral.

We don’t love them any less. Quite the contrary. We revere them. We adore them. We in fact, do love them all the more.

I venture that we see spirituality in their beauty ~ even their fading beauty.

Yet, we too often overlook that we all are ephemeral. We are all impermanent, transitory.

She wrote: “How startlingly beautiful impermanence can be.”

So why don’t we see that we mourn because we have loved?

The holiday season can intensify feelings of loss and grief so be aware of this and the triggers ~ even if your loss was “a long time ago.”

I remind folks that Love endures; therefore your emotions will always be with you. Grief IS love. No need to feel bad or remorse about the grief.

Remember that too, the absence of those we’ve lost from this life becomes more glaring when no one speaks about them. So, instead of trying to avoid talking about your deceased loved one(s), make a point to share their stories and your memories about them during gatherings of friends and family.

After all, they are still with you, just in a different way.

Honor them. Not only with stories but also with their favorite foods. Food is love.. Make that special pasta dish you both loved, whether for a gathering. Or a gathering of just one: you.

What was your Mother’s favorite cookie or your Father’s favorite pie? It’s part of their legacy, and your extended family and friends will be grateful to you for sharing.

Blend your memories with the present to allow for grief and life now to help heal the void.

Dust in some self-love. And sprinkle some of those childhood fantasies and dream a bit too ✨

If you have some sage wisdom about managing grief during the Holidays, please share. Or if you just want to share a story about your personal sadness this time of year, please do.