What is a Death Doula?

Sep 14

If you are not familiar with what an end-of-life-doula is, it's a person who provides emotional, physical, and spiritual support to people who are dying and to their loved ones.

I am a certified Death Doula.

Sometimes we are referred to as an end-of-life coach.

We are non-medical advocates for the dying and their loved ones.

Increasingly, more of us are talking about death ~ we’re having the heretofore “cloaked” or taboo conversations about dying, how we want our funeral services to be, to questioning or even relinquishing aggressive and alienating medical interventions and, instead, are talking more about “going out” in our own style.

That can mean personal choices such as a “green” burial that includes no chemicals in your body ~ abandoning embalming altogether ~ to choosing pretty, bespoke caskets including those made from seagrass, (like I did), or urns, to well, just doing death differently.

Given our aesthetic maturity, the changing conversations around death include seeking more of a festive celebration of a life well-lived with your choice of music, dance, poetry, meditation, and other personal artifacts that reflect the authentic “you.”

At the same time, there is an increasing interest in just talking about grief.

I have thoroughly embraced Anderson Cooper’s groundbreaking and very successful podcast: “All There Is” about loss, grief, and love and how to cope with the death of our loved ones. I was especially touched by Anderson’s conversation with Stephen Colbert, who offers poignant solace and counsel that he honed (how…) and gave him resiliency when his father and brothers died in a tragic accident. It’s profoundly spiritual…

There was also a recent NY Times feature on “modern mortuaries” to highlight the very real, warm personalities rather than the utterly impersonal of most traditional services:

“Exit Here is among a small group of funeral homes around the world — like Sparrow in New York, Poppy’s in London and Altima in Spain — with a modern feel” that feature “Celebration rooms.”

I like that. And in fact, I’ve always looked to comfort those who've lost someone they love by highlighting the person, and their inspiring life that we will continue to celebrate.

There are also end of life online planning sites, including Cake.

I am a proud graduate of "Going with Grace:" a death doula training and end-of-life planning organization that exists to support people as they answer the question, “What must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and die gracefully?”

I’ll never forget when I first heard the radio interview featuring Alua Arthur. It was an epiphany.

For no real reason other than I love life so much and I’d long harbored the dread of losing my beloved father from this world, I’d pondered the concept of death differently. The pragmatic side of me posited the question to myself and those close to me: “Why is it that we plan for everything from a job search, to a vacation, to a dinner party, but we never, ever seem to plan anything for the really BIG adventure??” And furthermore, why do we all act so surprised when one dies?”

Maybe it seemed like cocktail party chatter or a parlor game but at its most fundamental, these were very real issues that I didn’t hear anyone talking about in a meaningful, honest and compassionate way.

Until I heard Alua Arthur. I embraced her refreshing and realistic, sensible, yet compassionate strategy to dying and death. The conversation surrounding Going With Grace was one I heartily embraced.

It spoke to me and led me to a path that I’d been unconsciously and perhaps uncomfortably been long looking for.

I registered for the rigorous, six-month course study.

The process and journey was life-changing ~ excuse that expression here, but it was.

I very much appreciated that Alua attended to us students and zoomed together more than a few times during our course studies. And she keeps in touch, offering updates and guidance.

As a graduate group, we too, stay connected and supportive of our community and work.

The certification process was challenging but yet welcome and refreshing; and then there was that sense of connection ~ mainly because I found others who felt the same about this important topic and were choosing to work in a burgeoning field of service.

Doulas give meaning to our lives and dignity to our dying. It was a bit like finding one’s tribe. And purpose. In philosophy and in practice.

I can help guide the dying and their family when planning end-of-life arrangements ~ whether a sudden and unexpected tragedy or that of a prolonged departure from this life.

Doula work is especially welcome as a patient and family advocate; providing practical tasks including the funeral, advance directives, wills, and creating a legacy ~ from ”Memory Collection” journals and/or photos, to a cookbook brimming with family recipes, or an art installation, or music created just for you. And my own personal favorite legacy, the meditation garden, where friends and family can be at peace with their loved ones and feel the very profound connection to the cosmos and the mystery of nature; of our shared spirituality….

Here, in this chapter, I will continue to inspire you with stories and guidance about how to embrace this very real part of life…

Death Cafes, Grief Circles, Leaving Parties, actively participating in “death cleanings,” and other ways to grieve are becoming more a reflection of our collective attitudinal evolution about death…

It’s because we love life so much that we can better plan for the process of our inevitable deaths.

Sharing in the mourning process and grieving with collective companionship is comforting and supportive.

We can make choices; we can give meaning to our lives; we can help give comfort and a sense of emotional pride for ourselves and our loved ones.

Together, we can unburden the fear and helplessness to recognize we can “normalize” death and grief; to be in control about our end of life departure experience.

You can also read and embrace Alua’s book, “Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End”

After experiencing an unspeakable loss of a beloved family member a few years ago, I wrote a blog post about grief, mourning, and loss based on my own feelings, research, and faith. It was before I became a Death Doula yet I can feel the through-line when I read it now, from another, elevated perspective. It still resonates…